Domestic Violence

[LadySizzla]

It's ironic this topic was up today. Experienced it myself this weekend. Damn fool came at me and some of my friends with a machette.....throwing people down stairs, locking people in the house, taking away keys, phone, whatever he can to control me. Police called. Escaping from the house with clothes and pets.

I personally left and will not be back until he is out. But, I know the helplessness firsthand recently and its' a hard road to even travel for the short term. I feel for those who have had to/will have to do it long term.

bloody hell hun! Glad your ok - and glad your out of it too. None of us deserve that kind of crap. Onwards and upwards for you now.

[LadySizzla]

You know..people say it's impossible for two people who are togeather not to fight...not to have heated and angry arguments..but I never recall my parents having even one. I asked my mom not to long back if this was merely because they hid them from us and she said..nope...your dad and I never fought...we were best friends and when we disagreed we talked it out and found some middle ground.

I'm not saying everyone has the temperment to be this docile about handling disagreements...but I don't think fights are nessesary. I think you might need a few arguments...but two adults should be able to work out their differences without things getting out of control . I think if they get out of control..it's laziness on the behalf of them both. Most people are to lazy AND SELFISH...to take the time to work out their problems...give in a little..and find a compromise. They'd rather run their mouths off...and let their tempers take control. This is what keeps divorce lawyers in business.

So therefore I'm extremly against physical violence because I think it should never reach that point if two people are acting like grown adults!!!

I am neither lazy or selfish and I tried to sort out problems but it never worked.
Anything can trigger someone to lose their temper not just arguments - when you live in a dv situation it can be a simple thing like the dinner is not on the table at a certain time - you might have forgotten to get something from the cleaners. A lot of it is one partner trying to control the other - a lot of mental abuse.

I am against violence too but it didnt stop it happening to me.

Well said Jellybean. Getting a fist in your face is not about what you have done or havent done - its about another person using violence to deal with their OWN issues. If a victim of domestic violence then finds it hard to do something about it because of their lowered self esteem and weakness, telling them they are part responsible is doing nothing to help that person leave or build up their self esteem and courage. It DOESNT take 2 to create a victim it takes ONE.

[Batty_gyal]

This is true....you cannot control another person....I guess what I mean is in general..when two people get to that point..it's usually a mutual thing that could have been stopped if people put in the effort to not let a relationship or argument degrade to that point. HOWEVER..your right..there is many exceptions to this rule. My birthmom had an abusive husband...and he beat her all the time...broke her nose...chased her down and threw her into walls..strangled her...and she never asked for that!! I guess it depends on the situation really. I'm going based on some of the things I've seen!!

I went through a few violent relationships..and one extremly violent incident..and I didn't ask for either. So yeah....abuse can happen without any reason.

But I've seen many people fight and taunt each other...and push it to the point where their relationship and fights degrade into one of them snapping...or levels of abuse occuring. This is where people need to not be lazy and work on the relationship...or don't be in it!!! It takes alot of work to make a long term relationship work !!

[LadySizzla]

I don't even equate it being about relationships. I see it as being about individuals who can't deal with their emotions without resorting to violence and controlling another person to make themselves feel better. Same as people who are violent with children, animals whatever. Its about THEM not about arguments and conflict.

[jellybean]

This is true....you cannot control another person....I guess what I mean is in general..when two people get to that point..it's usually a mutual thing that could have been stopped if people put in the effort to not let a relationship or argument degrade to that point. HOWEVER..your right..there is many exceptions to this rule. My birthmom had an abusive husband...and he beat her all the time...broke her nose...chased her down and threw her into walls..strangled her...and she never asked for that!! I guess it depends on the situation really. I'm going based on some of the things I've seen!!

I went through a few violent relationships..and one extremly violent incident..and I didn't ask for either. So yeah....abuse can happen without any reason.

But I've seen many people fight and taunt each other...and push it to the point where their relationship and fights degrade into one of them snapping...or levels of abuse occuring. This is where people need to not be lazy and work on the relationship...or don't be in it!!! It takes alot of work to make a long term relationship work !!

Do you consider yourself to have been lazy or selfish and not wanting to work out your problems in your relationship. I bet the answer is no ..yet you did state in your orignal post most people etc etc.

[Batty_gyal]

Sigh.....

So many people are in unhealthy relationships...so many people start out great....and then it ends in destruction. I think sometimes it's because :
a) People don't take the time to communicate
b) They don't consider each other
c) they are togeather for the wrong reasons
d) People build their relationships on the wrong things or don't take time to have anything in common with the other

and many more things...and over time..if these kind of things continue...little things happen along the way..and if ignored they build until suddenly two people can't stand each other. Then when fights occur, the other person doesn't consider the other...and they push each others buttons and then one of them is being abusive, or both of them are abusing each othe, or terrible hurtful verbal fights occur...pick a poison!! Where as if people put in the work to keep common ground..to communicate...to care about whats going on with the other even in busy busy times...you don't drift apart.

THAT BEING SAID...MANY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT IN ANY WAY!!! I agree totally on that. I was just trying to voice an opinion on one specific area...obviously I worded it wrong...hopefully I've corrected that! No I was not being lazy in my relationships..I was just being a dumb girl who knew I should get out...but was stupid and stayed for more!!
Some people are just bullys and abusers...some people are just bad..and some people do bad things without a reason!! Sad but true!
Tequila girl I hope your ok!!:(

[jellybean]

BG I have an idea where you are coming from and I do agree that many relationships fail because of your A-D. However, when it comes to domestic violence it does not go hand in had with what you are saying because people who abuse are not rational people and no matter how much you try to reason with them they will not understand logic. Most of the time the abuser believes it's the fault of the victim that they are being abused. A person who is not use to violence will not turn violent because they can no longer stand their mates. Yes the home may become an unhappy place with the more than usual verbal arguments which may lead to divorce, however, it takes a sick mind to beat on someone continuously and it has nothing to do with not be able to communicate, or not considering each other. or being together for the wrong reasons.

well said

[Tequila and Lime]

It's ironic this topic was up today. Experienced it myself this weekend. Damn fool came at me and some of my friends with a machette.....throwing people down stairs, locking people in the house, taking away keys, phone, whatever he can to control me. Police called. Escaping from the house with clothes and pets.

I personally left and will not be back until he is out. But, I know the helplessness firsthand recently and its' a hard road to even travel for the short term. I feel for those who have had to/will have to do it long term.

OMG TL I hope you and your friends are OK, shaken most likely but OK! Can't imagine why people feel the need to express themselves with violence. Good choice not to go back. A fist fight is one thing but to challenge people with a lethal weapon is another story.

Well, it seemed like a good choice. Now that I have been homeless for nearly a week and he's not budging much, I am starting to get a little pissy!

[ECO]

Homeless as in living with friends or homeless as in living on the street?

[On Vacation]

Dr Phil was about domestic violence today. Some pretty crazy stuff. One of the women on there gave up her child to stay with the abusive boyfriend!!!!!!! The courts didn't want the child in the home anymore so when given the choice of leaving WITH the child or staying WITHOUT the child she chose to stay.

Messed up.

[LadySizzla]

Dr Phil was about domestic violence today. Some pretty crazy stuff. One of the women on there gave up her child to stay with the abusive boyfriend!!!!!!! The courts didn't want the child in the home anymore so when given the choice of leaving WITH the child or staying WITHOUT the child she chose to stay.

Messed up.

Then in that case I would suggest she deserves every beating she gets and the kid is lucky to get away from such a stupid mother.

[MZKUMA]

When I was 20 my ex-husband put his hands around my throat. As much as I loved that man, I will NEVER love one to the point to allow a 1 time hands on attack. I left him and every thing I had. He use to call every single day crying and telling me he was sorry. Please. *rolling eyes* I use to tell him he can cry blood and we still would never be together again.That was 29 years ago. I have absolutely no respect for any man who is abusive to a woman. I know I deserve better. Fear is what keeps victims there. It's a power/control thing by the abuser. They slowly isolate victims from those who care, won't allow them to work an be independent, threaten them with taking children, hurting their loved ones, killing their self-esteem, apologizing and crying like a baby after beating them and promising it will never happen again, showering her with gifts, ect, ect. But, it will happen again. It will become worse until he beats her to death or she snaps and do the "Burning Bed" on him. How many victims are in prison for killing their abusers feeling it was their only escape? Too many. A lot of those who have found the courage to leave will more than likely end up living with a restraining order that isn't enforced enough and still end up dead by the hands of their abuser. Then the police can put his wussy cowardly behind in jail. Never had to endure abuse. The neck thing was enough to want to take him out in his sleep. I chose to leave and remain free. Free from him and not losing my freedom by going to prison.

*OK. I will breath now* Hope I answered the question.

[MZKUMA]

When I was 20 my ex-husband put his hands around my throat. As much as I loved that man, I will NEVER love one to the point to allow a 1 time hands on attack. I left him and every thing I had. He use to call every single day crying and telling me he was sorry. Please. *rolling eyes* I use to tell him he can cry blood and we still would never be together again.That was 29 years ago. I have absolutely no respect for any man who is abusive to a woman. I know I deserve better. Fear is what keeps victims there. It's a power/control thing by the abuser. They slowly isolate victims from those who care, won't allow them to work an be independent, threaten them with taking children, hurting their loved ones, killing their self-esteem, apologizing and crying like a baby after beating them and promising it will never happen again, showering her with gifts, ect, ect. But, it will happen again. It will become worse until he beats her to death or she snaps and do the "Burning Bed" on him. How many victims are in prison for killing their abusers feeling it was their only escape? Too many. A lot of those who have found the courage to leave will more than likely end up living with a restraining order that isn't enforced enough and still end up dead by the hands of their abuser. Then the police can put his wussy cowardly behind in jail. Never had to endure abuse. The neck thing was enough to want to take him out in his sleep. I chose to leave and remain free. Free from him and not losing my freedom by going to prison.

*OK. I will breath now* Hope I answered the question.

You are lucky that you had the strength to leave, and you should be very proud of yourself for doing so too.
A lot of people for whatever reason are unable to find that strength to do what you did.
Some put up with it for a few years and somehow manage to escape, and some sadly escape in a body bag or handcuffs

Tinks, the sad thing is this. Every word you said it true.

[MZKUMA]

I watched a documentary some weeks ago about women behind bars. It stated that approximately 90% of the women serving a prison sentence are doing so because they have either, injure, or killed their abusive spouse. Oh how nice it would be if they had just seen the light. MZKUMA, nice experience it shows that we can take control if we really want to. Sometimes and far too often women see the dangers and make excuses for it until it's too late.

It'd be a good thing if they'd make the abusers do some real time so that they'd be in long enough to realize the consequences of their actions. Long enough to the point that when the are released, they'd head for the nearest transportation out of the state. Good thought anyway.

[jellybean]

This was a sad case of domestic violence the girl saw all the signs but thought that he would be different with her.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... urder.html