Your Funeral

[ECO]

I went to a friend's wake tonight, he wasn't there since they burnt his body a few days ago but a whole bunch of family members and friends were there to pay their last respects. Out of boredom, I began to ponder how I would want my wake or funeral so it could actually be fun instead of the normal boring sad stuff.

My plans as of now (they might change).

Wake:

Not in a funeral home! Some open air place during nice weather or in a conference room at a cheap hotel within a cheap taxi ride so it will be easy on out of state people.

A keg or two of cheap beer and plenty of Scotch (Glenlevet 12 year) and over proof rum with mixer.

Plenty of cheap food like veggie dogs, veggie burgers, veggie chicken patties, popcorn........and maybe corn on the cob if it's in season.

A good DJ or band.....but they have to be cheap!

A student photographer or someone cheap who will take everyone's picture playing around with my urn.

The whole thing has to be done up like a party.

Funeral:

This will be the tricky part, it has to be done on the evening of the wake so everyone attending will be drunk.

It needs to be held at a closed (old) cemetery after the sun sets so actors dressed like ghosts, vampires and such can scare the living crap out of the people attending. The whole thing needs to be so scary that everyone runs off before they notice that I never paid for a grave site, a burial or any of that other expensive crap.

Those are my plans as of now.

So......what are your plans?

[ECO]

Oops, I almost forgot........The reading of my will.....it will give away all sorts of expensive stuff that I never owned like resorts, bridges, national monuments, race horses, massage parlors.......but I'll be giving away all of this stuff to made up people so all the people that attend my will reading will get nothing but free food and drinks.

[Wahoo]

You forgot the professional wailers. You need to hire a half dozen or so Jamaican prostitutes you know to attend your funeral to wail every time your name is mentioned.

[Wahoo]

Eco, if you kick the bucket before I do, I'll will to you the mineral rights to my property. Don't scoff--the largest gold nugget (weighing several hundred pounds) ever found was found by a guy who stepped out of his trailer in the Australian outback one day, did a couple of perfunctory sweeps with his metal detector, got a loud beep, and dug it up. I don't know what that gold nugget would be worth at the current gold rate, but probably nowhere near the $200 million per day that the US is going to pay for Obama's upcoming 10-day Mumbai trip. Yes, you read that right--$200 million per day! He's taking an entourage of more than 3,000 people (including security details, etc). It adds up.

Okay, I was just BSing about the mineral rights to my property (I live in a second-floor condo, fer crissakes...you might get a few dollars for the copper tubing). But the $200 million per day for Obama's Mumbai trip is no joke.

Think what you will about the U.S., but we know how to treat our princes!

[ECO]

You forgot the professional wailers. You need to hire a half dozen or so Jamaican prostitutes you know to attend your funeral to wail every time your name is mentioned.

No, I'll have people mixed in the crowd saying I'm outside and the whole thing is one big joke. The prostitutes sound like a good idea, I could announce raffling them off to increase the attendance.